Headmaster's Thoughts: December 2021

We, as a species, find comfort in numbers. We want to have measurable facts about critical issues in our lives. Going to the doctor used to be a simple matter where he or she would hit us in the chest and see if we winced, and then listen to the same chest with a stethoscope. No longer. Now they run all sorts of elaborate tests with frightening electric machines that adhere to our skin. They take our blood and furnish us with details about substances in our bodies that we never knew existed, I am sure they are all important numbers but, so long as they are in the average range, we have no idea what they are referring to. Do you really know what your creatine ratio means? They also analyze other bodily fluids. Put bluntly, I never considered drinking water before I went to get my annual physical. Now, for obvious reasons, it helps. Then they will tell me, in scientific language, how my urine compares to everyone else’s urine. I like my doctors, and I know they are giving me numbers that are important to them in evaluating my health. It is just that I have no idea what it all means. Interestingly, they do not weigh me anymore. Not one of them. They ask me my weight, and I could lie through my teeth and they would solemnly record the number I give them. I have to assume they know what they are doing. They are doctors, and I am not.

 

But I am the head of a school, and, even here, numbers seem to have more importance than I believe they should.  I am all for report cards, and delighted when a child shows responsibility and gets good grades. I congratulate everyone who gets into the college of their choice. I like academic success. But, is it possible that in our zeal to show how good we are as parents and as a school, that we have forgotten, like my doctors with my weight, the more important qualities in our young people? Who has not seen (although I think the numbers happily are declining) the rear window sticker: “my child is an honor roll student in second grade at xxx primary school”? Or, equally declining but still to be seen, the window sticker that just gives the name of a famous college, with the clear implication that the parent is a success because their child attends the famous college? Is that our best measurement of successful parenting of our children?

 

I have three children and they are all in their forties. My measurement of their success, or any part of the impact that Jayme and I had on their adult lives, cannot be measured in numbers. The true factors are happiness, humor, kindness, compassion, common sense, and so on. It is a long list. And there is no neat test with numbers at the end. There is no report card, no psycho-ed evaluation, and no urine analysis. I would suggest that the same list applies to your children who are still at school (hopefully with us). Doing well in school is great, but only part of the whole child. Surely, as parents, we should treasure empathy over a history grade, a feeling of success and self over a math grade, and an ability to function well in a community over a biology grade. The window stickers distort the true values that we should aim for. Your child is a success if your child believes they are a success. Similarly, they are ethical if they do the right thing, particularly when that right thing may be inconvenient.  Throughout your life, you are a person who is more likely to have a meaningful relationship with a partner if you trust yourself to make that choice. You need a positive sense of self. There is not, and I doubt there will be one in the future, a report card for that. 

 

I recently had a graduate of our school talk to my ethics class (he does every year). His history is extraordinary. From the most challenging family background of virtually any student I can remember, he became a great success. It is not the finances that one should applaud, but the fact that he believed in himself enough to go forward when others doubted him. I admire him because he has a great ability to relate to others and has charisma and compassion. In short, he is a genuinely good person who now devotes his life to philanthropy. When he was with us, there were no rear window stickers that existed to indicate the triumph he would become. He did it through work and courage. No stickers for that. 

 

So, and I am sorry if I sound preachy, let us not forget as parents and educators, that the measurement of anyone is not a report card in high school, but their personal qualities. Qualities that hopefully we, as adults, model for them and guide them towards. If there were to be rear window stickers for “my child is a kind and responsible person”, we might be making headway. There are, unfortunately, none, but one can always hope. 

 

And, 2021 has been a tough year for young people. Fewer parties (understatement), and more masks. Let us praise them for what they learned in terms of values and character. No numbers! We do not need them. In our heart of hearts, we know our own children, and we should praise them for who they are-for their kindness, their empathy, and their belief in their sense of self. Let us get our priorities in order. I am an unashamed admirer of young people. I have learned to trust their ability to rise over difficulties (like 2020-2021). It is not an easy year to look back on.  My advice to parents is to hug your children as often as you can, and, if they appear embarrassed, just hug them again. 

 

Ronald P. Stewart

Headmaster

York Prep